I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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