Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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