Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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