My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
