It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
