remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
