Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
