i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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