why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
