I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Randomize
