i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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