Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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