I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
