I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You made out with two different species that night
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
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