Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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