quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
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