even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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