Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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