good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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