i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
