You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
