he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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