tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
