I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
