They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
