I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
