my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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