she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
