How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
