Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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