You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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