My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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