I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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