I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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