when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
my liver is dry heaving
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
