they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Buhtt sex?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
