Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
