We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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