Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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