Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
