I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
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