Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
