i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
it was like his penis was on wheels.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
