this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
