census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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