I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
