I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
