the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
