im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
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