Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
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