she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
