i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
