Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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