Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
